THIRD EYE!!

Lalith Mahal Palace, Mysore.

Disaster

Condolences to the sardar who tested the sardar designed helicopter. He even tested the eject seat during the flight. Remembrance meet at 2:00PM, IAF grounds.

Tribute

The previous blog is my attempt at science fiction. You will probably see more of such stories. Its a tribute to a writer who can give O'Henry endings to science fiction, Isaac Asimov.

Excavation!

It was a bright sunny day. The ripples of the 200th year celebration of the One-World treaty was still felt. It was a better day for us in the Terra-bore org because the Union Government had given us the sanction and the needed funds to explore Area-52.
You might be wondering what im talking about. Let me explain. In the year 2150, all the world economies merged to form a single entity under the One-world treaty. Under this 100 sites around the world were made into restricted zones. They were either vanishing ecosystems or had some unwanted history. 200 years down the lane, No human , robot or Neptunian has tread on these grounds. Area-52 is one such site in the eastern hemisphere. We were given the sanction to explore this after the satellites showed a large stores of carbon, hydrogen and nitrogen in some undiscovered compound.
We were amazed to find that the compound was a new one. Johan was not sure about this. He had a couple of examples where the analytical skills of robots could not be relied upon. Robotics in our field was relatively low. You could not train one for excavation! or so we thought!
It was mid year and the weather was on our side. Within meters of digging, we stumbled upon huge containers, cement rubble and very few human remains. As a protocol everything had to be sent to the on-site lab. It was, in a excavators day, a very fruitful one.
The rewarding first day succeeded with bad news the next morning. We never saw it coming. we had received an order to stop mining and our fund were completely stopped. The notice gave no explanation as to why this was stopped. The notice was also signed by the One-world industrial division and the union govt. had this been one more influential move by the industrialists? We wanted an answer, and we did not have to wait long.
As we packed our field equipment in the trench, we saw Johan standing at the top of the trench. I called out " Any lead on that?". He shrugged and said " I was right about the satellites". I knew his victorious speeches and acts. "anything about why this was stopped?" He answered " Your valuable containers did you in!" . I was astonished, "those were the best finds in the past decade! it does not belong to a war, nor does it have a name". i could see Johan smiling. he said " thats where you are wrong! they got a name". This was something we were not ready for! I looked at him with a question mark on my face, and Johan turned and started walking. As he walked he shouted "Union Carbide!".

A Glimpse..

Its late February or early March.
Location: Kodak Theater, Los Angeles CA.
The red carpet is out. Flashes from the camera are bringing glitter to the event. Its the Academy Awards. Its almost the end on the event.
On the stage, dressed in a black Louis Voutton tux and matching sunglasses is Jack Nicholson. Accompanying him in a navy blue Yves saint lauren is Sandra Bullock. They are here to announce the award for the best actor.

Sandra(Opening the envelope): You nervous jack?
Jack( peeping into the envelope): Nervous no! excited yes!
Sandra( handing over the envelope): Why dont you do the honors?
Jack(receiving the envelope with his signature grin): ah! my pleasure.
Jack: And the oscar for best actor goes to...what the!(astonished)
Sandra(trying to bring in emotion): you ok jack??
Jack(Perplexed): I think i have finally flown over the cuckoos nest!!!
Sandra( In a "im so cool" way): Gimme that you old bloke!!
Sandra: what the!!!
Sandra: I dint know Iron Maiden was into movies!!
Jack: Yo! miss confusiality!!
Jack: This is my limelight..let me do the honors!!
Sandra: I have never heard of him!!
Jack:If you making movies like 'The Proposal', you will forget who you are!
Jack: Ladies and gentlemen...
Sandra(scratching her hair like dirty Harriet): But i cant believe this..
Jack: Shut up!!
Jack: Sorry for the disturbance..where was I?
Sandra: Ladies and gentlemen
Jack: OH! Ladies and gentlemen...for his excellent emotional role..this years Oscar, for the best male actor goes to..none other than Yeddiurappa!! ..Did i pronounce that right?
* Applause, Screams etc *
Jack: Come over here yeddy!!!
Yeddy dressed in all white comes to the stage. In true hindutva style touches the feet of Jack and hugs and kisses Sandra.
Yeddy: I have no words. I am as happy as i was when i had my lunch at a poor village.(wiping tears)(with a white napkin)I would like to thank the investors of Bangalore, I would especially like to thank Santosh Hegede for giving me this opportunity. I would like to thank my parents, my fellow citizens (wiping more tears) and reddy without whom i would not be here..thank thank you...(leaves the stage)

Wrong men in Paradise.

The United states of America( referred to as US , USA or "them" from here )is playing in the football world cup 2010!! Oh! sorry in case they dont understand it, its soccer. The Big brother has finally started to play the worlds most popular game,somehow moving away from the sports where heavily-armoured titan like humans clash around on grass or ice!!
But there were certain aspects which shows how new they are to the beautiful game.Here goes the list.

1. The stadium in Johannesburg has a design of an African pot.The outside of the stadium is designed to have the appearance of an African cooking pot. Our American counterparts thought this was the "Super Bowl"!!!!!!

2.When US scored their accidental goal against England (thanks to Mr Green; Comic fans, i am not referring to the Hulk!), American fans were heard shouting things like "home run" and "touchdown".

3. The US coach Bob Bradley was seen asking for timeouts during a game!!

4. The South African press reported that the American fans were disappointed at the absence of cheergirls and leaders!! ( imagine the state of those girls in a match ,if they have to dance once or twice, or may be never! )

5.American fans were awestruck not to see any wide-mouthed, tongue swaying Budweiser commercials!

6. The opening ceremony and the pre-opening party of the 2010 FIFA world cup was telecast in the US with a PG-17/Adult rating!you ask why? Their fear of wardrobe malfunction has not gone. Thank you Janet and Justin!

Well these are some of the blunders by the Americans! But come on! You cant blame them , they are know for blunders! Iraq, gulf of Mexico, Bhopal, Hiroshima,Vietnam, declaration of independence...blunders overflow in their history!! So lets forgive, forget and enjoy the beautiful game ,Football (NOT soccer!!!)

Neo-Tourism

ABC travels, a premier global travel agency brings to you a set of new travel deals! Never before seen/visited/experienced offers!! Here is a preview!

1. A Deep fry in the Gulf of Mexico : Yes, with so much oil in it, its not sun bathing but you can get yourself deep fried! Kids can enjoy building black sand castles, plus you can refill your vehicles fuel supply! Its the smoothest (and the most slippery) beach holiday you will ever have!! ( SMS "Black Gold" to 5555 for exciting offers)

2. Smoke Sailing in Iceland: Are you bored of just driving through smoke in Bangalore and mumbai? Do you yearn for more? Look no further , because ABC brings to you sailing in the smoke!! you can para-sail or sail in the thick smoke around iceland! ( SMS "Choke" to 5555 for smoking hot deals)

3. Wife Hunting with Zuma : All you extrovert wanderers out there! pack you bags as you heed the call from South Africa. Jacob Zuma wants more! You get a chance to meet the president, roam around in the game country waiting and searching for his majesty's next better half, or should we say better 1/4! ( SMS "waka waka" to 5555. caution:Football fever is on, so you might get your balls kicked! pun intended)

4. Road to In-solvento : Gracias Amigos!! Las Vegas beckons you to become a "broke"r! Don worry you wont fracture any bones, but throw away your money at the casinos and go pauper!!its a once in a life time experience! bankruptcy is in vogue!! Take Greece for example.. ( SMS "lehman" to 5555 for credit facilities)

SO backpackers and hitch hikers its time to "move on" again! St Augustine said "the world is a book and those who dont travel read only one page", well if you dont travel with ABC, you will also miss the exciting ending, a autographed hard bound edition and the photo shoot with the author of the book!!! By the way who is the author??? Never mind! Call us at 1800-23-456WTF.

THIRD EYE!!

A Astro-Palmist who believes in reverse psychology!!

A Thought....

Q. There are no script writers in AXN. why?
A. Actions speak louder than words!!!

But...the pen is mightier than the sword...

THIRD EYE!

A "balanced" Diet!!!

THIRD EYE!

All my photoblogs will be titled the same. Variety might be the spice in life, but you wont recognize variety unless there is some monotony. This photo was taken beside the oriental research institute in mysore.

THIRD EYE!

My attempt at photography. Its like my third eye! just coincides with the fact that i have been named after shiva 's abode!!! this is the DC office in mysore. All you comic fans out there! DC office is the district commissioners office , NOT where batman comics are printed!!!

IPL Ads

The Indian premier league is a money machine. Every business wants to be associated with it in some way or the other. with the induction of two more teams for the next season the race for endorsements has already begun. Here is a preview of some players who have been pulled into the marketing.

Dale Steyn - Aerial ( aerial mitaaye "stains")
Chris Gayle- Meteorological Department
S Tyagi- Adarsh Charitable Foundation
DB Ravi Teja - Surya tubes and bulbs
Shawn Marsh - Florida Tourism ( everglades)
Dwayne Bravo- Godfrey Phillips Bravery awards
JM Kemp- Kids Kemp, Publishers of Mien Kemph
AB de Villers - Kidzee Montessori
TM Dilshan - Narayana Hrudyalaya
Ajanta Mendis - Ajanta watch/clock repair and service
KA Roach- Baygon Spray
CA Pujara - Muzarai Department
Ross Taylor- Reid & Taylor

Where Do you put your money???

The new economy has brought out the most "out-of-the-box" jobs, investments and opportunities. Keeping the same thing in mind here is a list of investments/jobs/hobbies you would like to be part of!

1. Ad in Uttar Pradesh: Markets go high and low and so does your returns!! Get unusual benefits and assured security!! Invest in a "money garland"!!** Conditions apply *** Investment is not subject to market risks.***Assured tax benefit and party berth.

2. Strike Organizer: Due have flair for street-fights? Is your voice unusually loud? Do you have the capacity to starve? Do you long to be the topic of cover stories and front-page news? If your answer is Yes to one or more question, then your dream job is waiting for you! Call 9988-77662, Vatal Nagaraj is waiting for you!! ** Job assured** remuneration might be in the form of kind**

3. Saffron PR: Looking for Graduates/Post-graduates. Should have the ability to speak fluent English, control large crowds, Utter sanskrit verses, handle sex scandals, arrange mammoth rallies, manage huge finances, maintain secrets.
**Attractive pay**All will be given 4x4 on duty** Morals and ethics should be left behind.

4. Invest your money in a Saffron Mutual fund. Benefits: Spiritual discourses, divine musical performances, option to convert black money to white, bonsai gardens, luxury spas, political influence, engineering/medical college seats, occasional porn and skin show,LSD induced "prasadam", worldwide travel option, etc etc etc whatever the supreme power of godhead will offer!

5. Indian Institute of Management Banglore
2 year post graduate diploma in Wedding management.
Requirement: Graduates with CAT scores above 95.Preference will be given to multiple-divorcees.
Course contents: Bride and groom selection, Venue selection, Basics of jathakas, rituals(6 credits), fashion designing, flower arrangement, Communication behavior,themes,Food theory, Gifts and presents management, principles of honeymoon planning and Divorce requirements.
Visual syllabus: DDLJ, Shaadi No1, Meri Yaar ki shaadi, Runaway Bride, 27 dresses, My best friends wedding, Betsys Wedding, Thavarige Baa Tangi,Dhule Raja, Rakhi ka Swayamwar(seasons 1-4).
Course fees: 6 lakhs per semester( includes free bridal beauty kit for 33% of women)

6. Invest on stupid-jobless blog writers. They need money to make fun of you and criticize the whole world around them. Believe me its a profitable investment, may be not for you but for us!! You get to read our great, so-called funny blogs and you would be the object of some insult!!
With a hope that the readers of this blog take the last last point seriously i sign off. ANYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG IS A GOD!!

10 things you would not like to hear in an operation theater!!!

10 things you would not like to hear in an operation theater, especially when you are the one on the surgery table!!!( the list is in no particular order..all are equally horrifying)

1. Doc A to Doc B : "who are you.??...what the hell are you doing here!!!"

2. Anesthetist to the interns : " ...If you administer the injection on the upper spine it will result in lung collapse and cardiac arrest....."

3. Intern to Anesthetist : "....mam...am i getting it right?????"

4. Intern 1 to intern 2 : "....oye have you kept the defibrillators ready?? hope nothing happens like last time he he he" (wicked giggle)

5. Doc A to nurse : Beep Beep Beep "....is that the fire alarm..?"

6. Doc A to nurse : "..hey rush to my cabin and get Greys Anatomy...i dont think this is right..."

7 Nurse 1 to Nurse 2: "...Dr A and his obsession with alcohol...did you smell it too.." (the two look at each other and smile)

8. Observing Nursing students to Doc A (who has a victorious smile): "ONCE MORE!!!..ONCE MORE!!!!"

9. Doc A(holding a scalpel) to Doc B: " DAMN!! my wife gets on my nerves!!!..im gonna take out my anger on the next thing i see!!!"

10. Dialogue.
Attendant:" Where do i shift this patient??"
Nurse A : " to the morgue......"
Attendant: 'OK!!"

Recipe for Success

Oooota.blogspot.com happens to be the blog of my very good friend Dayani. Its really good. She writes about food joints in and around mysore, description of delicacies and even gives recipes!! If there was something like a "critical Stomach"( not "critical eye"), that has been used very well in the blog. I thought a mere comment on her blog would not be enough to encourage her to write more. So this blog is dedicated to Dayani.

HOW TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL BOLLYWOOD MOVIE.

Ingredients
1 Famous actor (Atleast three sessions of botox and chiseled abs)
1 famous actress ( Its better if she had a string of past success with the actor, and best if she is coming out of a break)
2-3 supporting actors ( mothers with grey hair and cute kids will do the trick)
1 director ( choose the ones who host talk shows)
1 movie name starting with KK (i am not bringing my name into this but that's what the numerologist said!!)
1 rare disease which has been made public ( expect a superhit if its a mental condition)
10 foot tapping songs ( actually 5, the other 5 are remixes, re-remixes, re-re-remixes, club mixes, rock versions etc)
2 producers with big banner names( try roping in spouses of the actors)
2 extremists to fuel the controversies.( Saffron works fine)
1 feeble state government
And finally some cinematographers sound engineers, editors, cameramen, helpers etc to taste.


Method
Knead a story such that the hero ,with the strange and rare disease, falls in love with the heroine. Make sure the hero is imbibed with all good qualities. You have now delivered a couple of emotions which will attract the "break-even" crowd.
Now for some profits! Add a plot where the dear ones of the heroine die( not in real life, but in the movie). Add a really slow and emotional song at this juncture. Pour ample amount of glycerin. Twist the tale such that a second man enters the plot and stretch it! It should be a test of love including dance numbers, vehicle stunts, posh cars and skimpily clad girls. Grind in some traditional values and rituals. Spice it up with item numbers and sleazy skin show. Introduce a cameo by another famous star to enrich the flavor. Sprinkle some breath taking scenery. Allow the plot to take a confusing path but end it with a "happy ending". Do add bits of music occasionally (It will awaken the snoring audience)
Dont forget to stir up a contreversy. Let the extremists take over. Make the famous hero participate in debates, public functions and talk shows. Prepare him for a pro-society speech. Pull in politics, sports, religion and family into the concoction. Make sure it boils down to the front page of all the leading dailies. Let the controversy simmer for sometime while you manufacture movie memorabilia like t-shirts and caps.
Release the movie into the social cauldron amidst all the chaos of the extremists. Serve it hot with extravagant promos and a whole regiment of the reserve Police force!!!!

BON APPETITE!!!!!!

Dance

One of my very close friends recently joined Salsa classes. Its a place where they teach all forms of western dance forms. My girlfriend who is an instructor there, was the one who inspired my friend to join in. Both of them wanted me to go their class and watch them dance. I readily accepted as i was thoroughly jobless and how could I miss a valuable chance to comment and criticize on people i don't know. My friends knew about this but still invited me for the rhythmic evening( when was the last time someone invited Jay Leno to a party of politicians and expected him not to comment!!)
I must say, at the end of the 60 to 90 minute session, I was impressed!! Firstly it was the first time i saw a live performance of salsa. Secondly moving your body in complicated steps, synchronizing perfectly with the Mexican tunes, is surely something worth appreciating. While watching them dance, my mind wandered to the dances of our country, especially my state. It has the usual dose of classical and folk forms but very few are forms used for socializing. Unlike western forms, our dances are not society oriented. If we just move up Gujarat, Punjab and most other states have dances where people are involved without the need of any expertise, Garba, Dandiya to name a few. Its my personal opinion( what were you expecting in MY blog) that these socializing dances brings the society closer and makes it a denser unit. It is something which lets people interact, have fun and may be inspire some to pursue arts. I really wanted people to meet up, dance and go home instead of orkut or FB!! But i suddenly realized i was not in a Karan Johar movie!!
If you ask me wether I was inspired to dance and join classes for it? I would say no! The classicals are not my cup of tea, the unruly, eccentric, epileptic is what im into! And im happy with that as it gives me a very large canvas for creative expansion( Just wanted to bring in some art jargon). With that i think i will end. So until next time keep those feet tapping and those beats going!!!

Political Claasics!!

Yes I am back and if your expecting a list...well your are right again. Politics. Need i have to say more? The myriad of images that flash in your mind contain the cleanest kurtas and the bloodiest controversies! Politics has become like a soap opera, its entertaning but at the same time sometimes stretched to the limits of boredom. I managed to draw a connecting line between the beautiful world of literature and the decaying world of politics. I know by doing so many of the authors might start rolling in their graves....but its all for a good laugh, they will understand. So here goes ( Characters and titles in this list are purely real! any resemblance to any person living or dead just shows how aware you are of the current affairs! some titles might have been changed to desperately bring in humor!)

1. H. D Devegowda : He Stoops (to a new low) To Conquer by Oliver Goldsmith.
2. Andhra Pradesh : Things Fall apart by Chinuwa Chube.
3. Ambani/gas politics : Death of the salesmen by Arthur Miller.
4. Verappa Moily : Crime and punishment by Dostoevsky.
5. Mamatha Banerjee vs Laloo : Streetcars named Desire by Tennessee Williams.
6. N D Tiwari : Sorry! I am not into Pulp Fiction!!!!
7. Bal Thackery : The Godfather by Mario Puzo
8. Jyoti Basu & Co : Red Star over Bengal by Edgar Snow
9. B S Yeddiurappa : Yeddy the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
10. M Karunanidhi : Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway.
11. Sonia Gandhi & co : Foundation and Empire by Issac Asimov
12. A. Ramadoss : Coma by Robin Cook.

I think i will stop here. If i continue the literary club will be filing a rit petition against me! So i would like to end by saying All is Fair in Politics and literature.....obviously by Kailash Koushik :)

Similies of 2010

2009 was an year of contrasts. It had its share of downturns and triumphs. But the happenings in 2009 were very influential. I present to you the similes that will be used in 2010 which is proof to the previous statement. ( English Gyan 101: A simile is a figure of speech comparing two things often with the word "as" or "like")

1. As epidemic as swine flu
2. As introvert as North korea
3. As loud as Rakhi sawant
4. As disloyal as Tiger Woods
5. As unsuccessful as the climate change conference.
6. As dead as Micheal Jackson.
7. As boring as ong bak 2.
8. As stoned as Janardhana reddy
9. As injurious as the kotla pitch.
10 As bulletproof as Karkare's jacket.
11. As bankrupt as the Lehman Brothers.
12. As delayed as William & Kate 's marriage
13. As bumpy as the shirid ghat road
14. As gay as Sec377
15. As precise as Lashkar-e-Toiba
16. As blue as Avatar.
17. As cunning as Madhu Koda
18. As retiring as Jay Leno
19. As hairy as Baba Ramdev
20. As early as the late night BPO shift.
21. As yellow as jaundice.
22. As elusive as the Seat of Karnataka CM
23. As divided as Andhra Pradesh
24. As fast as Usain Bolt
25. As regular as TV9 gossip
26 As sturdy as the Delhi metro constructions
27. As touching as an i-phone
28. As nosy as Kayne West
29. As indebted as Dubai World
30. As headbutting as Zidane.

Well i think its time to equip your language with these similes! So go on and let the comparisons run wild!!! Peace!