10 things you cannot do when you are sitting in an Auto in Bangalore

Three wheels, a clicking meter and terrified people. No! i am not talking about a John Woo movie! Its our very own autorikshaws of Bangalore ( Geek Trivia 101- autorikshaw is not related to George Bernard Shaw). One ride on this tri-wheeled t-rex, through the busy streets of Bangalore is enough for anyone to agree with the list below. So take a deep breath and hold on to your seats!

10 Things You CANNOT Do When You Are Sitting In An Auto in Bangalore!

1. Relax and not Panic.
2. Try not think about your Life insurance policy
3. Wish the red light turn green in a traffic stop.
4. Teach your kids Traffic rules. Even better take a class on traffic awareness.
5. Solve the following problem: Construct an equilateral triangle with each side measuring 5cm and circumscribe a circle. Also draw a tangent to the the circle and find out the angle at which it intersects the extended base line of the triangle.
6. Play the Jaltarang!!
7. Put a thread through a needle.
8. Ask a rabbi to perform a circumcision.
9. Use words such as "Chill", "Cool", "Peace" etc
10. Perform a dissection on a Drosophylla Larvae!!

Italian Supremacy....

Italians always manage to be in the news. Be it a front page side column in a leading daily or just some airtime in the sports section of BBC, Italy will be there. The current Prime Minister of Italy Mr Berrlusconi makes sure this trend wont go off. His scandals and high profile girlfriends give him a prominent spot in any one of the news channels.
Mr B is the longest serving head of a G8 country. This is not an easy task. One might wonder if Italy would find a successor with the same qualities? The answer is YES! We have many, so many that i can make a list! Well what else am i good at? So here goes A list of the 5 most eligible successors for the prime ministers office of Italy!

1. Tiger Woods- The Sports illustrated golfer of the year gets the number one position. In comparison he is better than B, more efficient!
2. Shane Warne- Well dirty language, locker room romps and a funky hair style to match, can Italy ignore him??
3. Kobe Bryant- Dunking his way to the third spot is the 2009 MVP!! He plans to rename the office as "Room 35"!
4. Shakti Kapoor- Uff!! finally someone to break the list of hormonally challenged sportsmen! Shakti casts his couch to the number 4 spot. The hair, the shades and the bling, some people just have it all!!
5. Shiney Ahuja- You bet bollywood leaves a mark everywhere!! If the Italian electorate consiststed a majority of maidens, no, maids , shiney would definitely be a fore runner in the race to the office!!

Well some concerned readers asked me how i could miss out Donald Trump? Well he couldnt make it to the list as he was, no he is busy competing with the French counterpart Mr Sarkoszy!! So let the Azzurie flag fly high!! ( This post was written with a feverent hope that none of the readers belong to the mafia!!!)

Divine Diseases!

My obsession with diseases has inspired me to write one more blog. This blog lists the probable ailments/diseases the "gods"/"demons" would be diagnosed with. ( If anyone is offended please do not panic, kumbh mela is not far away!!)

1. Ganapathi - Spondylities: Balancing an elephant head on a human spine and neck is hard work!
2. Vishnu- Possible bed sores: Seldom do you see him upright!
3. Shiva- Pneumonia: Sitting stark naked in near freezing temperatures, what else did he expect??
4. Krishna- AIDS : 16000 wives, need i have to say more?
5. Varaha- Swine flu: No explanation needed for this!
6. Matsya- Minimata disease!
7. Jesus- Tetanus: Impaled by unsterilized nails...thou shalt suffer!!!
8. Parashurama- High blood Pressure: Anger is said to take a toll on BP.
9. Narasimha- Hypertrichosis: Where do you think the mane came from??
10. Indra- Neuro muscular disorder: playing with lightning affected his neurons.
11. Brahma: Dissociative identity disorder: 3 heads+ 3minds= trouble!!
12. Bakasura: Peptic ulcer: eat, but never overeat.
13. Nandi- Foot and mouth disease.
14. Vamana- Pituitary Dwarfism.
15. Vayu/pavana- Indigestion: breaking wind!

Well I think that will keep Dhanvantri busy for quite some time. Wish them all a speedy recovery!! Peace!

Early Edition

How lucky am I?? I just got an early edition on the newspaper, dated 12/12/2019!! As you, no let me change that as everybody knows I am not a selfish guy ( I am not into shellfish, tuna and sardines are my kind), so i share the news bulletin of the future with you!!

Center declares statehood for Munbaikars.
New Delhi/Mumbai: The central government on Tuesday decided to give statehood to mumbai. The decision was taken after indefinite hunger strike by Sena supremo bal thackrey, who has been on life support for the past 4 years in Lelavathi hospital. India now has 47 states and 22 union territories.


UN demands report on carbon emission levels from all countries.
New York: The UN has demanded a report on the levels of green house gas emissions by the countries which took part in the Copenhagen conference of 2009. A report stated that the global temperature was still on rise. This demand has been put out in a crucial time when the countries of the world are preparing for the Climate Changed Conference scheduled to be held in Geneva in the month of January next year.

Mobile-CAT successful in spite of a few glitches.
New Delhi: The Common Admission Test for the premier management institutes was a success in spite of a few glitches, reports PTI. Some students were not able to connect the call due to a network problem. Some missed call were also registered at the CAT call center. A few prank calls created panic among some students, who reported the same to the CAT cell. The al-queda claimed responsibility to the Rakhi sawant MMS clip which some students got instead of the question paper. The center however rejected the claim as they believed al-queda would not indulge in such petty offenses!

Brangelina adopt their 15th child.
Beverly hills/LA: The celebrity couple of Angelina jolie and Brad Pitt have added one more child to their brood of cosmopolitan childern. They have adopted Kaannise, a 2 month old masai orphan. The UN human rights commission has sent a notice to Brangelina regarding visa and labour problems. However Stockholm is planning to award the couple a Nobel prize, the category is yet to be decided between Medicine and Economics!!!!!!!!

US and Austria sign N-deal with the help of Indian scientists.
Vienna: Austria and The US inked a historic civilian nuclear deal. The nuclear deal is supported by the scientists of India as agreed in the Indo-sino-US-Brazil-peru-somalian nuclear deal!! US President Arnold Schwarzenegger told media that he was extremely happy to lend a hand to his homeland. In his joint press release with his Austrian counterpart Wolfgang Mozart , he emotionally said " I'll be BARC!!!!!!".

In other news
US to send 40000 more troops to Madagascar.
Sachin Tendulkar retired from first class cricket. Says he will work for gully cricket.
Pratiba Patil becomes the first 90 year old to bungee jump from the Qutab minar, run a triathlon and take part in a burger eating competetion!
WHO declares Raccoon flu a pandemic.
Microsoft releases French Windows 13. Its concentrating on niche markets.

Well thats it!! I have given a glimpse of the future. It looks bright and shiny to me. Peace!!

10 Things Which Are Better Than Watching Ong Bak2!!

1. Watching a Chinese Martial arts movie, made in Hollywood, dubbed in Tamil with Kannada subtitles!
2. Listening to a speech by Atal Bihari Vajpai on a cloudy Thursday afternoon, drinking cold tea without sugar!
3. Going to a fusion concert of Kannakudi Vaidyanathan and Britney spears! (No Offence)
4. Wearing clothes designed by Wendell Rodricks!
5. Studying civics in the 9th standard!
6. Watching a re-run of a "live" reality show which Rakhi Sawant is a part of!!
7. Glancing through the pages of a censored edition of the Saudi version of Playboy!!
8. Getting Jaundice!!
9. Giving directions to a blind man through your cell phone with an Idea connection( what an idea sirji!!!)
10. Be a guest on Oprah for a campaign for public decency with Kayne West as your co-guest!!!

Ong Bak 2

Ong Bak is a movie by the famous martial art star Tony Jaa. The first movie had a very interesting story line with extreme martial arts. The show was such it would make you go in front of the mirror and try some kicks and punches!! The sequel to Ong Bak was Ong Bak 2. Expecting the same kind of excitement i positioned myself in front of the TV comfortably for some martial arts mayhem. But what hit me was just mayhem!!

A bad script, predictable story line, same kicks, same punches, horrible acting and bloodshed which was both disgusting and grotesque!!! In this post i will give you both the plot and the script of the movie.
THE PLOT
Hero-Heroine- Traitor kills hero's parents-hero escapes, separated from heroine- masters all martial arts under a pseudo father-grows up - returns to kill the traitor- discovers pseudo father is also bad- kills him- marries heroine-happily ever after!! ( i bet both karan Johar and ramanand sagar are campaigning for assisted suicide and mercy killing!)
THE SCRIPT
Picturesque location in Thailand, a royal stead speeds across the jungle. the young boy riding the stallion is gripped with fear. Partially because of the thunder, but mostly because of the people hunting him down. He can hear the "twang" of bows and arrows zipping by! he somehow escapes.
He is rescued by a bandit king and is raised as his own son. he learns all martial arts and grows up to be a hybrid of Bruce lee+ Md Ali+Carl Lewis+ Tarzan+Bismarck!!

Then Hee haa eeyyaa..i will slit your throat...huh haa hayyaa aaa oooo...i will kill you(blood splashes)...kick kick punch jump..he he huuu haoo noooooo( running) hes hwaa eeyyaa CRACK!!(neck broken) ting ting ting SLIT!!( sword fight) aaaaa swoooosh(fire) hah hoo hyi haa foo....
[Please note that all the sounds while reading sound better with emotion. so SHOUT!]

Paradise lost! one man stands tall over the sea of dead bodies, revenge sought! Movie ends.....

Jaundice for dummies!!!

I am known for my dates with diseases. The latest one was a colourful one! believe me it does not feel as good as it sounds. I decided to provide some gyan on this, may be even clear some common misconceptions. The world knows i love lists! so here goes one more,
1. On a serious note, jaundice is not a disease its a symptom!
2. To all the Kiss fans, yellow eyes are not "kweooolll"!!
3. You will not have any energy to do anything. Sitting is a tiring activity during this period.uff!!!
4. All the diet conscious freaks, take notes, you need to have fat-free diet, not the atkins!!!
5. Alcohol, nicotine, marijuana or any other thing which makes you feel good is a complete no-no!
6. NO!! "yellow" by Coldplay and "yellow submarine" by the Beatles were not dedicated to jaundice!!
7. None of the characters in The Simpsons are suffering from jaundice. Portraying it would be tough though!!
8. Beneficiaries from jaundice include anti-itch cream manufactures, prickly heat powder makers and the lotion section of the cosmetics industry. Yes, in case you dint know your whole body will be itching!! So be prepared for some blood-stained sheets after a night of scratching.(sounds gross!!!)
9. Other beneficiaries include fresh fruit vendors and juice makers, sugarcane farmers, sugarcane juice makers, companies manufacturing juicers, producers of "fat free" stuff and of course doctors, hospitals and the pharmaceutical industry. We do have a significant impact on the economy!
10. Be prepared for some surprises in the toilet. I wont elaborate on this as i like to leave some excitement. Also i avoid the description in the interest of the public!
These pointers might have given you an insight of the disease. So try it out, GO YELLOW n' BE MELLOW!!!**
**[Official slogan of the United Nations Council for Jaundice(UNCJ). Unauthorized reproduction will result in legal action]

Extreme

The sound of the alarm pierced my ear. Dawn of a new day. Looking forward for a day of excitement, i got up. The usual morning chore followed. Milk, jog and shower, nothing new in that either! I open the newspaper and information floods my brain. But pretty soon i realize there was something which was common to most of the news items. Let me tell you what my eyes scanned. A liberation front blowing up places to prove a point, a saffron goon attacking a citizen of liberal India because he spoke in the national language, couple of well dressed miners in the assembly exhibiting their greed, a gathering of men in ill-fitting khaki shorts showing off their "unity" and discussing tradition, farmers commit suicide, sparks from the sickle and hammer for a decision by the government, a wedding ceremony in a farm house in all pomp, disturbance in gaza and west bank and sport fans clashing against each other!!!

I do see a lot of extremism running around the world. I think if the world takes a deep breath, thinks for a moment more and does the impossible task of keeping aside its ego for just a moment, the morning newspapers would be a lot better!!
I also realized if I did the same, my day would definitely be better, may be even the best!!

Facebook fever

Social networking started out with orkut. But now Facebook is in vogue!! people have even stated using facebook jargon in mainstream English. Unbelievable? believe it!! ( This phrase is taken without permission from the popular TV series Ripley's believe it or not! Too much TV brings out such effects..thank you jaundice!!). Back to the subject facebook jargon ...Let me give you some examples.

1. Overheard in Cubs (a pastry shop, a haven for wannabes, don't ask me why I was there)

"........i want to poke him.."

2. Overheard in Barista (I do eavesdrop!!! i cant help it, i got huge ears so blame genetics)

"....rohit likes this ..." with one thumbs up!

3. Outside a neighbours house, confrontation between an angry 40 something man and a confused teen

".....all i did was write on your wall......"

4. Overheard from a group of friends on a Monday morning

"...so give me your status updates..."

5. In the Police station

Constable: " This is the sketch of the culprit."

Inspector: " I want to comment....."

6. in an art museum, a young painter

"...how do I upload my prints on the wall...."

7. In the Income Tax Department

"......View this assesse's profile..."

8. In Bombay Natural History Society

".....Salim Ali just found an Ugly Duckling...."

9. At the wedding planner's office

"honey, we can just send an event invitation...."

10.In front of a beautiful mural of a durbar, inside the majestic Mysore Palace, four policemen, the curator, a group of people and a punk with a permanent marker.

"....I just tagged my great great grandfather....yessss!!!..."
From these examples it pretty evident how facebook has changed our lives. It is also evident that
1. I spend a lot of time in Facebook.
2 I spend a lot of time in front of the TV ( with the TV obviously switched on!)
3. I spend a lot of time in "hang outs".
4. I spend a lot of time overhearing what others say or talk
5. I spend a lot of time.
That's it, I think i will end this post with this list. Just a reminder , once you have read this don't forget to login to Facebook. You will always have something pending on facebook....Peace!

The return

Well, yes i am back, again. After a gap of almost a year i am back to blogging. A well know saying goes " Necessity is the mother of invention", i would like to alter this to " boredom is the mother of the need to do something". Seriously, believe me boredom just makes us, at least me, search for options. And blogging is one such option. Lets hope i stick around this time!! more soon..