I wont take my 'hats off' for the Army

A private news channel, which has a national presence, holds an annual event where they go and meet/greet the soldiers serving the motherland during Deepavali (One of the most famous festivals of India). They bring in a lot of emotion, saying that the soldiers are away from their families and are in need of an assurance that they are not left alone and to respect the service they are doing.

The Soldier. One of the most celebrated and looked up profession in the country. Nothing shows  patriotism as much as a man in the uniform. The lifestyle revered, the job feared and the soldiers an asset to the country.

Personally, I would not salute or take my hats off for an army guy. I don't owe him anything. At least in my 27 years of existence, I don't.

When I make this argument I am confronted with (And I know I will be in the future) with a lot of strong arguments. Arguments citing that I am "safe" because of them, that the country is "safe" because of them, they work in the harshest of conditions and I need to respect that and the quintessential i-phone argument of "you have not been in the army, so you don't know what it takes."

Let me put forth my argument. For my argument I use another job which I feel needs more respect than the army man. I shall present my argument as comparison to this vocation.

Joining the military is a personal choice. People might join the army for various reasons, but still it is a choice. India does not have compulsory military service. Now lets look at the coal miners of India. None of the "army joining crowd" would personally make a choice to be a coal miner. When Rob Kendrick of the National Geographic visited the coal mines in India, the most powerful moment for him was when he saw three generations of a family working in the coal mine. This is certainly not by choice! But the Soldier is an honourable man.

The argument "Army is essential for the country" is pretty common. In a country where the main commercial energy source is Coal ( Around 55% of the installed electrical capacity) I feel the coal miner is needed more than the soldier! With the Government infesting the country with the "development" rhetoric should know this better. Well the Army itself demands on the coal industry directly or indirectly but still the Soldier is an honourable man.

Next comes the argument "they keep the country safe". In the present world where the war is fought by information and economics, the movement of soldiers is merely a symbolic action. War is the village shandy for Arms manufacturers, steel magnets and oil merchants to show off what they have and for upper class, rich, suit and tie misanthropes to argue who has the longer "organ", as for them death of the soldiers brings bling in their bank accounts. In this age of economic warfare the finest foot soldier is the coal miner with his hammer. But the soldier is an honourable man.

When the Armyphiles (Yes, I just created a word) are in an intense argument, the "they work in harsh conditions" argument comes up every time. I would agree that they work in really harsh conditions, the deserts, the himalayas, the rough seas and the unpredictable skies. But the army gets all the necessary supplies to survive the "harsh" conditions. From metal toed boots to oxygen cylinders, from camouflage fatigues to fine whiskey! What does the malnourished coal miner, who wears shorts and flip flops and descends 400 feet into the earth to drill a 3 foot high rat hole, and go scrape coal, while the whole uncertainty of the hole caving in is in the back of his mind, does he get any supplies? Many be a torch so that he can go deeper or may be a cheap cigarette for his breaks (As if he hasn't inhaled enough). But still, the soldier is an honourable man.

Lets come to the benefits the soldier gets of his patriotic work. The Indian army website lists the benefits the army men get. From travel concessions, to rations on supplies. From pension and gratuity to free medical care. From allowances over allowances to family benefits. The list is so long that once I had completed reading the list my hair had turned grey! What does the poor miner get? Well a temporary plastic shed and no toilets! Of course the soldier is an honourable man!

This is just an example. I can draw equally strong examples using farmers, ragpickers and the whole unorganised labour sector. But in the end of the day the soldier is an honourable man.

Yes, the army helps out during Natural disasters, but it is the same army indulging in heinous crimes in the North-East and Kashmir. I don not want my taxes to go the soldier! I want my taxes (I would pay extra if the farmer got more) to go to the most basic of vocations. I find it hard to believe that the concept of a soldier which gained much hype during ancient times where fighting meant survival is still going, not only going but is increasing! But even in the 21st Century Modern-Developed world the soldier still is an honourable man.

On the last note, let us see the movie industry of India. From my memory I can just remember one movie "Kaala Patthar" (Black Rock) based on coal mining, but the number of army/military movies are innumerable! Another medium is the advertising industry which banks on the military rhetoric in so many instances! Yes the soldier is an honourable and profitable man!

I shall end this blog with an open challenge. All you 24X7 News Channels out there, all you CSR flaunting corporates, wish one coal miner or farmer or ragpicker a happy Deepavali and you might actually "light up" someones life.

To kill a freaking cockroach!

DISCLAIMER: I am not for violence. I am all for Non-violence.

APOLOGY: I would like to apologise to Harper Lee for taking the title of her famous book and destroying it (Read killing it).

If you want to kill, kill a cockroach. Actually kill a mosquito. Whichever you find first, kill it.
I have grown up in a house which has a pretty big garden and a store room for coconuts, thus ensuring a relentless supply of both the targets. With this background, I naturally am an expert in executing these creatures by using a variety of weapons. From my bare hands to the ever dependable flip-flops. (I can even strike with the right amount of force to render a cockroach immobile, but it will survive. Yes there is humanity in me )

Why should you kill a cockroach? You should because it can take it. It like the Dark Knight. It is the sole living creature which can at any given time, can boost your ego by taking a hit. The most self sacrificing I have come across. You might want to know why it boosts one's ego. There are couple of reasons which I will list
1. When go and attack a cockroach, it will never go down without a chase. It will take the turns, escape the blows and finally surrender in the corner. Thus you know you have to have certain level of nuero-muscular coordination to achieve this, not to mention the fear that it might open its wings and fly!
2. Secondly the cockroach is a symbol of the whole animal kingdom. It has the look of an insect, the build of spider, the shine of a reptile, the finesse of a deer, the stealth of leopard, some have wings and have conquered the skies. Thus when your footwear smashes into the crunchy crust of the cockroach (the sound very similar to a deep fried potato breaking between your teeth), you are not just thrashing a Bllatarian, but you are showing your dominance over the whole animal kingdom. (When the power of rational thought is not enough to boost your ego over animals, the cockroach comes as a saviour to facilitate our ever lasting longing for someone to blow our egos)
3. Nuclear Bombs kill people. Cockroaches are said to survive Nuclear blasts. You can kill a cockroach with your left hand! You are stronger than the Nuclear bomb! (So please stop using them)
4. A similar argument can be drawn for mosquitoes, but they are insignificant! You can show that you are more powerful than malaria, but all you get when you kill a mosquito is nothing but a skid mark of blood on your palms! Which results in an unwanted but necessary trip to the washbasin.

So you can see that cockroaches are a nobel kind. So move over dogs and cats. Go get your self some cockroaches, let them breed, while you go choose your weapon of choice. After that its showtime! You smash the freaking roaches and get some respect! Go own your house!!

Swearing about swearing-ins!

In the movie The Avengers (2012, Marvel Studios) , Tony Stark (Ironman) and Steve Rogers (Captain America) are trying to figure out what the bad guy (Loki) is up to, when Tony Stark says
"He had to conquer his greed, but he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience. Yeah. That's just previews, this is...this is opening night. And Loki, he's a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered!"
Now for all the Indians who have been following the country's politics since May, the Loki character might seem very familiar. Yes, I am referring to our Prime Minister Modi (Its almost scary how the names look similar).

When Modi was to be sworn-in as Prime minister, he made sure he had a lot of audience, he made sure there were parades and flowers! The event was attended by the premiers of all the SAARC countries (including India's "enemy" Pakistan), film stars and a whole bunch of big names from the Indian elite. The lucky 4000 were guarded by an unlucky 10,000 strong security force! No one until Modi had had such a spectacular ceremony. His victory resounded around the world thanks to this megalomaniac venture.

If anyone , like me thought the extravagance would end there, they were wrong. Out came the preposterous idea of building a mammoth structure! (For more on that read my previous post on the statue )

And it did not stop there. The assembly elections were held in Haryana and Maharashtra and the BJP, which happens to be Modi's party won in both the elections. And guess what? The swearing in ceremony was a spectacle again!! The Maharahtra Chief Minister will be accepting his role in Wankhade stadium!! Yes the place where India won cricket matches! I bet with the influence of Modi over the US running high, the next US President will take oath during the half-time of Super Bowl!

Thank to our media friends, the whole country knows how big a spectacle was when Modi went to the US. Madison square Garden had a packed audience and the ceremony was complete with Bollywood numbers. It was such a spectacle that Rupert Murdoch should have asked Modi to come every year, and he could turn this into a pay-per-view event, complete with commercial breaks to show how Modi has "developed" Gujarat! Instead of  "Make in India" he could generate revenues even it the US (Even if the revenues are generated for Murdoch its ok, Modi's development model depends on feeding the rich)

One question has to be asked. Where did all the money come from for these spectacles? Did the party pay? Or did the rich men sponsor it? At least the swearing in ceremony is paid from the people's taxes right? Why isn't anybody protesting? May be that's how things go in a developed country!

At a time when money is being thrown for these lavish stage shows, Arun Jaitely the Finance Minister put the Government on an austerity drive! That is some fine politics, spend the people's money but show them that you are working to cut the spending. Bravo! The opposite decisions of the Government makes me fell Mohammad Bin-tugalaq is back in power!

Coming back to the Loki analogy, what Ironman said about Loki fits perfectly to Modi- "he's a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered!"

PS: I have compared Modi to Loki and Mohammad Bin-Tugalaq. Any comments/discussions I shall be in Cell-21, Mysore Jail.

Strange Times

We live in strange times. Dickens might have had the best and the worst, but at this time, we live in strange times. Let me provide some examples to explain why I feel so.

We live in a time where the common man dances and rejoices when a politician is given a conditional bail by the Supreme Court. This politician has been accused of amassing wealth disproportionate to the income received. Doesn't the common man realise that someone became morbidly rich with his money, and now the common man fanatically fights/celebrates for the politicians release from prison. Or are they blinded by the minuscule material gifts offered that he is ready to continue his dream of rags to riches while another bunch grow grotesquely rich at their expense? We live in strange times.

We live in a time where just about an year ago the word 'Nirbhay' would kindle memories of one of the most horrific crimes that happened Delhi. The word became a symbol, a symbol for fighting against Rape and Rapists. It was a fight against violence and one of the most brutal forms of violence! Today the Indian military tested a missile called 'Nirbhay', capable of carrying nuclear warheads and most importantly inducing violence! So is 'Nirbhay' against violence or for violence? We live in strange times.

We live in a time where we have "leader" who pushes  foreign countries to do business in India. If the countries do agree, there is going to be an influx of people along with all the money. But it is strange that xenophobia is so high in the country that we can't seem to accept our own countrymen, countrymen of a "secular" country, because they belong to a different religion, different state, different race ,ethnicity etc! We live in strange times.

We live in a time where the government is ready to spend crores of rupees on the memorial of a film actor. It is so eager that even before you can blink the construction of the memorial would have begun, while the government has to think twice, thrice sometimes for years to waiver a loan taken by a farmer citing reasons as bad as "they don't work hard"! We live in strange times.

We live in a time where soldiers are glorified to an extent where people think the country is surviving because of them, while on the other hand the farmers and the menial labourers get no mention. News channels start initiatives with foreign companies to congratulate and wish soldiers during festivals, and what does the farmer get? No yearly bonus, no bottle of scotch, no subsidies on anything for doing something as selfless and definitely much more important work than the soldier! Yes , protect your motherland, but remember when you have nothing to eat there will neither be a motherland nor a mother! (I had to ignite the emotional rhetoric else it is impossible overcome the prevailing ideology) We live in strange times.

We live in a time where the media reports that a movie amassed crores of rupees over the first weekend ! They forget to report that the people who refused and revolted to pay extra taxes (even after getting benefits) are the same who poured money into gold-class tickets to watch one rich guy dance with one rich girl, who is been directed by one rich director and the movie produced by some guy richer than all of them. Its a time where people are ready to whine about the roads but won't pay for them, but will happily pour money into a movie ticket and then whine about the movie!! We live in strange times.

We live in a time where the "leader" orates with magnificent brilliance and says that the environment is important and he is also the same guy who clears all the environmental restrictions to industries, because Industries "make in India" and then consume and destroy the environment, push unnecessary products into the society, pollute and dirty the whole place, while our "Leader" is running a campaign to Clean India with a broom in his hand!! Who will clean up the industries' mess Mr Prime Minister? We live in strange times.

We live in a time where people say 'Love makes the world go round" and then see all advertisements where love can be expressed only by diamonds, rings, watches and cars, and then go buy all of these to "love" and unfortunately its this buying and not the Love, which is making the world go round! Love, yes we even love in strange times.

Setting the Bar way above 'Wrighteous'

People who have traveled across the deserts, tell stories of the heat, the struggles, the hallucinations and the ultimate pleasure of spotting an oasis and drinking its water in the omnipresent heat of the sands. People have written about it, have sung songs and even made movies. Unfortunately I have never experienced that till now, except vicariously. Until I came to London.
Nestled in the concrete desert of central London, midst the rolling buildings of cement and glass, lies a place, small in stature, but an oasis of humanity.
Wrights Bar, is a food joint, situated right next to the main building of the London School of economics and Political science. Its a small place with a seating area for around eight people, but satisfying stomachs (and souls) of more than 800 (gross underestimation) students, laborers and professors (Actually all of them are laborers, Marx et al).
In the desert of black suits, stern faces, and hopeless dreams, this is one place where one is greeted with a genuine smile. A smile of recognition of ancient times. This 15X7 space is where the boundaries of business and family collapse.
The food is simple. Bland English sandwiches and chips, coffee in Styrofoam cups and burgers in paper bags. In the yellow glare of the sandy desert, a sizzler served with a generous topping of love and laughter tastes better than ever! and this place is no different. To compliment the grey gloom of the man made desert, that extra mayonnaise and a reference to you as 'love' is enough to instill a sense of hope in not just your life but in humanity in general. Forgive my frequent references back to Marx, but the great man did show us that economics is the base, and underlying the joy of the well made chips bloodshot by chili sauce, is the fact that one had hardly reduced the weight of the coins in one's pocket!
It is a relief to walk into a lace where the mechanized smiles and robotic greeting of cafe 'chains' is absent. This is not a corporation, this is a family business.This bar does not have stakeholders/shareholders/clients. They have customers, they have regulars and they have people like me who consider them family.
Like all reviews I can end this with a cliched quote of "you wont get it unless you experience it", but I feel that there are oasis of humanity like Wrights Bar, in every area and I urge you go search for them, for the world today needs a bit of humanity and plus you will be liberated from the slave chains of white, green, blue and maroon coffee cups!

A Brief History of Time (Version: Hindutva)

Historians, Geologists, Evolutionary scientists and the whole scientific community with its research over hundreds of years have given us a picture of the history of time and human evolution and development.

This body of knowledge was shaken by the publication of a book called Tejomay Bharath. This book which is a compulsory text book for primary and secondary school children in Gujarat and is supposed to teach them everything about "facts about history , geography, science and other basics". The book claims that stem cell research was present during the time of Mahabharatha (A story whose origins are traced somewhere around 9th century BC, proof of writing around 400BC and it reached the final form somewhere during the Gupta Period). The book also claims that cars were present during Vedic times and so was the Television, quoting instances from the Mahabharatha. Remember this is compulsory to all school children.

After reading this I thought why not make their job easy. So here it is the

                              Brief History of Time (Version Hindutva 1.0)

      Long Long ago, there was the Big Bang. The Hindu country of India was present before that, because it was Indians who discovered the Big Bang. After millions of years of continous heating and cooling the earth became habitable. Then the Indians invented the human being (For the scientific community its Homo sapien). Yes we invented the human! After the invention of the human, Indians being philosophically inclined, wanted to instill purpose to the people. So they wrote the ancient scriptures (at that point of time it was Post-Bang literature, yes we Indians had post modernism even before the monkey appeared!) . Through these scriptures the Indians wrote on paper, about the past the present and the future. They wrote about evolution, about economics, about stem cell research, about nuclear weapons in an unclear language, they wrote about the internet, they wrote about basically everything! Whatever had/will be/was/would be invented and discovered were in the scriptures! All this so that after thousands of years one small bunch of people could boast about their superiority (Purpose of Life). Once it was written the earth was so impressed that it started to work according to these scriptures. Thus as time goes on, Indians posses the ultimate knowledge of the universe, for they had the book which contained everything, everything except , wait it has everything, sorry, it has everything! So time is not moving, it is just the scriptures talking..... (Dramatic end)

I am so proud to be an Indian (Wipes tear, sniffs). Looking at the things written in the book Tejomay Bharath, I think the economic slowdown India is experiencing is not bad. If we had cars and stem cells research 2500 years ago, then we have moved ahead in civilization so much that we have hit the plateau. So by the time the rest of the world reaches the stage India is now (With multiple languages, multiple cultures, multiple religions, multiple people) it would be another two thousand years. So e are way ahead of any time! This is a reason to celebrate! In case you did not understand, here is a graph to make it clear! (Indians invented the graphs)

 

On the X axis - Time; On the Y-axis - Development (Favorite of Hindutva)

O- The Big Bang and Creation/existence of India

A- Indians invent the Human being

B- Where the countries other than India are in the process of Development.

C- Writing of the Scriptures+ Invention of stem cells, cars and whatever you can see/hear

D- India's position in comparison to the rest of the world (Also where other countries think they are, but they are at B

{This graph is also taken from the scriptures, which explains its ancient look, yet again proving...you know what}

To conclude I want quote from the ancient scriptures the correct quote of Descartes

                        "I am Indian, therefore I am and I know......I wish" 

One budget, one statue, one country.

The newly formed Indian Government today brought out the annual budget. This is a day when the spotlight is on the Finance Minister, where he reads out his plan as to how his government will manage the money. This is a day when all the News channels are on a high, bombarding television screens with info graphics, charts, graphs and expert opinions (Once I typed it out, it looks like the everyday schedule of the 24X7 News channels).
Normally the words thrown around on this day include Tax, GDP, Fiscal deficit, Inflation, cheaper and some more in the same genre.
The newly formed government heralds itself as the 'change' people voted for. In an attempt to maintain the image, they try to do something different from what the previous government did.
This budget was no different!
Point number 33, on the 8th page of the Union budget speech the Finance minister said and I quote "Government of Gujarat has embarked upon the mission to build the largest statue of Sardar Vallabh Bhai Patel. Sardar Patel stands as the symbol of the unity of the country. To support the Gujarat government in this initiative to erect the Statue of Unity, I propose to set aside a sum of Rs 200 crore."
So erecting a statue is so important it features as a main point in the national budget! Yes, this news has made the poorest farmer in Vidharbha relinquish his attempt to commit suicide because now there is a statue for which he can live for!
A little bit of background on this. Gujarat is the state where our prime minister rose to fame. Its his Frankenstein. The Gujarat state government is planning to erect a 183 meter long statute (Statue of Liberty is 93 meters) of Sardar Patel, a freedom fighter and the first deputy prime minister of India. The cost of this project is is Rs 2500 crore ($415 million). The center has now agreed to pay $34 million for this project.
Setting aside the grotesque display, which I am sure has made Patel turn in his grave, is the obvious money spent on this. If the government is spending so much, I thought I would give some suggestions on how the statue has to be built.
1. Instead of erecting the statue vertically, erect it horizontally so that homeless people can sleep under it during the monsoons.
2. If its a statue 183 mts high, then its the height of a 60 floor building. The statue will be in the state of Gujarat, where business is big. Why not build a five-star hotel inside the statue?
3. If the government is spending so much money , a little more spending and imagine we can have a mega telescope in the head of the statue and Indian space research will bloom to greater heights.
4. May be, this might be a conspiracy. The Indian military might be setting up a station atop the statue to monitor Pakistan (which is right across the border).
5. The statue should hold a huge pail to facilitate rain water harvesting.
6. Make Sardar Patel a superhero, so his cape can be made of Solar Panels and produce electricity for the "developed" state.
7. If the State government likes a display so much the statue should have a provision for all the poor people to hang themselves publicly (Patel organised the farmers of Gujarat against the British in the civil- disobedience movement)
8. It should have ducts like human sweat pores, through which water can be let out to clean all the pigeon excrement.

I can go on but I will let the readers add more options. The statute is called 'Statue of Unity'! I really don't know what unity it symbolizes! How many people among the 1.2 billion people really feel 'united' when they see this behemoth of a statue? How many will actually get to see it?

At bloggerheads with internet tests!

As if it was not enough that a number of "lists" flooded the internet, out cometh the new kind on the block! The internet tests! So here is a list of new tests lined up for further release. Some of them you might have already taken!

1. What spice are you test? (No, not the Spice girls version)
2. What galaxy are you test ( As if astrology was not enough!)
3. What tattoo are you test? (Am I getting the tattoo or is the tattoo getting me)
4. What politically incorrect word are you test? (That inner desire to find out..)
5. Which politician are you test? ( To see thyself in thy worst manifestation is a feeling of humility)
6. What test are you test? (Things just got meta!)
7. What kind of stupid fool are you to take these tests, test?
8. What kind of question is that test?
9. What nobody cares all I need is test, test?
10 What kind of pattern do i observe here test?
11. What kind of dumb solace i get relating to nonsensical things test?

Now imagine if this trend is used in schools, kids would love tests instead of detesting them. For example.
1. What kind of reaction will you be if you were Sodium Chloride test?
2. What kind of escape velocity will you be if you were a body of mass XYZ?
3. What kind of cell division would you be test?

Now imagine if the school tests happened on Quiz-up (A mobile app which lets you challenge your friends for an intellectual duel) . As if the existing competition is not destroying their childhood enough!
It would be even better if the quiz-up was broadcast over the internet. And then one could take the
1. Which kid who is taking the test are you test?
2. What kind of wager are you in the test, test?
The possibilities are immense! So before you go,

What productive thing have I done today test? (Other that reading this blog)

Battleground- Democracy!

Its a cloudy Monday morning. The General elections are starting in India today. My social network is flooded with election news and views, a lot of them posted by, none other than me! So in the same spirit of adding a drop to this sea of opinions, I decided to do a content analysis of the election manifestos of the two biggest parties contending in the the Indian elections, the Congress and the BJP.

For those who are unaware, Content Analysis is a research method , as Berelson defined it "objective, systematic, and quantitative description of the manifest content of communication". Basically certain codes are created, then the particular text is analysed using that code (Eg: Counting the number of times IPL and corruption are used together).

I employed the same technique but instead of phrases or sets of words , I chose to see how many times one particular word was used in both manifestos. The results were as usual, unbelievable!!

Let me start with the most favorite word of the politicians- Development.  The BJP used this word 84 times while the congress 56. "Women" on the other hand made an appearance of 58 times in the Congress manifesto and 37 in the BJP's. "Growth" had 33 hits with BJP and 49 with the congress.

Welfare, Job, Corruption, Education, Pakistan, Minorities, Poverty, Crime, LokPal, Youth, FDI, Food, Maoist, Sustainable, Rural, Industry, Business- All these words appeared almost the same number of times, with sometimes difference of 1 or 2.

The LGBT community and the North-East is not on anyone's agenda.

But when it comes to bragging rights, the competition explodes beyond the roof! While the BJP talked about themselves for a modest 117 times, the Congress made its presence sure with 265 in their manifesto!

Now if a Martian (to be unbiased) took these two documents and cleared them of all the colors and stylistic elements, and replaced the names of the parties with arbitrary names like XYZ or ABC, no one, not even Modi and Rahul Gandhi , could tell the difference between the two!
On the contrary , they would resemble, two long lost brothers in a Bollywood movie, reunited, after the see similar tattoos on their forearms. In this case the tattoo would say "Slaves of" on one hand and "Capitalism" on the other!!

So, go and vote, for this is democracy!
This research method might have flaws and inter-coder reliability is quintessential in Content Analysis. So please try it out.


  

How to change a Light bulb in London

There have been a lot of jokes on how many people are required to change a light bulb. But seldom has anybody described the place where its been changed. So here, in this post, where I try to be as electrifying as the English weather, shall explain the mundane process of changing the light bulb in London.

Although my insatiable need to list is trying to overpower me, I shall show my rebellion by not numbering this list.

Nice weather, isn't it ? (Couldn't start a list on London without weather talk)

At the unfortunate moment of the death of a light bulb, go buy another one.

Send out an e-mail to all the residents of the building stating that a bulb would be changed in the building at the prescribed time. Apologize for the inconvenience.

Send out an e-mail to all the residents of neighboring buildings stating the same. Apologize for any noise that might be caused.

Send out an email to the local NHS General Practitioner stating you would be undertaking this task.

Remember this is the city of London, so before changing bulb, erect a scaffolding to the building.

Put out sign boards in bright orange that say "Bulb changing in process" , "Men at work" , "No Smoking" and just in case "Cyclist Dismount".

Divert the pedestrians.

Stop the Bakerloo and Central Lines. Apologize for the inconvenience.

Announce there would be delays in the Central and Circle Lines. Apologize.

Wear fluorescent safety jacket, a white safety helmet, Safety goggles, safety gloves and steel-toe boots.

Climb the ladder and change the bulb.

Take the old bulb to the dustbins. Spend a good ten minutes reading the boards which tell you what items go into the different colored bins. Dispose the bulb in the right bin. (This normally ends with a euphoric feeling of "I have done the right thing, I saved the planet" )

Return to your building.

Invite your mayor, Boris Johnson to switch on the new bulb. Invite some from the Royal Family too. (Daily Mail and The Evening Standard will follow)

CLICK

ppppsssshhhhhtttttttttt...





Apologize.

Repeat procedure from the beginning.