A Brief History of Time (Version: Hindutva)

Historians, Geologists, Evolutionary scientists and the whole scientific community with its research over hundreds of years have given us a picture of the history of time and human evolution and development.

This body of knowledge was shaken by the publication of a book called Tejomay Bharath. This book which is a compulsory text book for primary and secondary school children in Gujarat and is supposed to teach them everything about "facts about history , geography, science and other basics". The book claims that stem cell research was present during the time of Mahabharatha (A story whose origins are traced somewhere around 9th century BC, proof of writing around 400BC and it reached the final form somewhere during the Gupta Period). The book also claims that cars were present during Vedic times and so was the Television, quoting instances from the Mahabharatha. Remember this is compulsory to all school children.

After reading this I thought why not make their job easy. So here it is the

                              Brief History of Time (Version Hindutva 1.0)

      Long Long ago, there was the Big Bang. The Hindu country of India was present before that, because it was Indians who discovered the Big Bang. After millions of years of continous heating and cooling the earth became habitable. Then the Indians invented the human being (For the scientific community its Homo sapien). Yes we invented the human! After the invention of the human, Indians being philosophically inclined, wanted to instill purpose to the people. So they wrote the ancient scriptures (at that point of time it was Post-Bang literature, yes we Indians had post modernism even before the monkey appeared!) . Through these scriptures the Indians wrote on paper, about the past the present and the future. They wrote about evolution, about economics, about stem cell research, about nuclear weapons in an unclear language, they wrote about the internet, they wrote about basically everything! Whatever had/will be/was/would be invented and discovered were in the scriptures! All this so that after thousands of years one small bunch of people could boast about their superiority (Purpose of Life). Once it was written the earth was so impressed that it started to work according to these scriptures. Thus as time goes on, Indians posses the ultimate knowledge of the universe, for they had the book which contained everything, everything except , wait it has everything, sorry, it has everything! So time is not moving, it is just the scriptures talking..... (Dramatic end)

I am so proud to be an Indian (Wipes tear, sniffs). Looking at the things written in the book Tejomay Bharath, I think the economic slowdown India is experiencing is not bad. If we had cars and stem cells research 2500 years ago, then we have moved ahead in civilization so much that we have hit the plateau. So by the time the rest of the world reaches the stage India is now (With multiple languages, multiple cultures, multiple religions, multiple people) it would be another two thousand years. So e are way ahead of any time! This is a reason to celebrate! In case you did not understand, here is a graph to make it clear! (Indians invented the graphs)

 

On the X axis - Time; On the Y-axis - Development (Favorite of Hindutva)

O- The Big Bang and Creation/existence of India

A- Indians invent the Human being

B- Where the countries other than India are in the process of Development.

C- Writing of the Scriptures+ Invention of stem cells, cars and whatever you can see/hear

D- India's position in comparison to the rest of the world (Also where other countries think they are, but they are at B

{This graph is also taken from the scriptures, which explains its ancient look, yet again proving...you know what}

To conclude I want quote from the ancient scriptures the correct quote of Descartes

                        "I am Indian, therefore I am and I know......I wish" 

One budget, one statue, one country.

The newly formed Indian Government today brought out the annual budget. This is a day when the spotlight is on the Finance Minister, where he reads out his plan as to how his government will manage the money. This is a day when all the News channels are on a high, bombarding television screens with info graphics, charts, graphs and expert opinions (Once I typed it out, it looks like the everyday schedule of the 24X7 News channels).
Normally the words thrown around on this day include Tax, GDP, Fiscal deficit, Inflation, cheaper and some more in the same genre.
The newly formed government heralds itself as the 'change' people voted for. In an attempt to maintain the image, they try to do something different from what the previous government did.
This budget was no different!
Point number 33, on the 8th page of the Union budget speech the Finance minister said and I quote "Government of Gujarat has embarked upon the mission to build the largest statue of Sardar Vallabh Bhai Patel. Sardar Patel stands as the symbol of the unity of the country. To support the Gujarat government in this initiative to erect the Statue of Unity, I propose to set aside a sum of Rs 200 crore."
So erecting a statue is so important it features as a main point in the national budget! Yes, this news has made the poorest farmer in Vidharbha relinquish his attempt to commit suicide because now there is a statue for which he can live for!
A little bit of background on this. Gujarat is the state where our prime minister rose to fame. Its his Frankenstein. The Gujarat state government is planning to erect a 183 meter long statute (Statue of Liberty is 93 meters) of Sardar Patel, a freedom fighter and the first deputy prime minister of India. The cost of this project is is Rs 2500 crore ($415 million). The center has now agreed to pay $34 million for this project.
Setting aside the grotesque display, which I am sure has made Patel turn in his grave, is the obvious money spent on this. If the government is spending so much, I thought I would give some suggestions on how the statue has to be built.
1. Instead of erecting the statue vertically, erect it horizontally so that homeless people can sleep under it during the monsoons.
2. If its a statue 183 mts high, then its the height of a 60 floor building. The statue will be in the state of Gujarat, where business is big. Why not build a five-star hotel inside the statue?
3. If the government is spending so much money , a little more spending and imagine we can have a mega telescope in the head of the statue and Indian space research will bloom to greater heights.
4. May be, this might be a conspiracy. The Indian military might be setting up a station atop the statue to monitor Pakistan (which is right across the border).
5. The statue should hold a huge pail to facilitate rain water harvesting.
6. Make Sardar Patel a superhero, so his cape can be made of Solar Panels and produce electricity for the "developed" state.
7. If the State government likes a display so much the statue should have a provision for all the poor people to hang themselves publicly (Patel organised the farmers of Gujarat against the British in the civil- disobedience movement)
8. It should have ducts like human sweat pores, through which water can be let out to clean all the pigeon excrement.

I can go on but I will let the readers add more options. The statute is called 'Statue of Unity'! I really don't know what unity it symbolizes! How many people among the 1.2 billion people really feel 'united' when they see this behemoth of a statue? How many will actually get to see it?