Oooota.blogspot.com happens to be the blog of my very good friend Dayani. Its really good. She writes about food joints in and around mysore, description of delicacies and even gives recipes!! If there was something like a "critical Stomach"( not "critical eye"), that has been used very well in the blog. I thought a mere comment on her blog would not be enough to encourage her to write more. So this blog is dedicated to Dayani.
HOW TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL BOLLYWOOD MOVIE.
Ingredients
1 Famous actor (Atleast three sessions of botox and chiseled abs)
1 famous actress ( Its better if she had a string of past success with the actor, and best if she is coming out of a break)
2-3 supporting actors ( mothers with grey hair and cute kids will do the trick)
1 director ( choose the ones who host talk shows)
1 movie name starting with KK (i am not bringing my name into this but that's what the numerologist said!!)
1 rare disease which has been made public ( expect a superhit if its a mental condition)
10 foot tapping songs ( actually 5, the other 5 are remixes, re-remixes, re-re-remixes, club mixes, rock versions etc)
2 producers with big banner names( try roping in spouses of the actors)
2 extremists to fuel the controversies.( Saffron works fine)
1 feeble state government
And finally some cinematographers sound engineers, editors, cameramen, helpers etc to taste.
Method
Knead a story such that the hero ,with the strange and rare disease, falls in love with the heroine. Make sure the hero is imbibed with all good qualities. You have now delivered a couple of emotions which will attract the "break-even" crowd.
Now for some profits! Add a plot where the dear ones of the heroine die( not in real life, but in the movie). Add a really slow and emotional song at this juncture. Pour ample amount of glycerin. Twist the tale such that a second man enters the plot and stretch it! It should be a test of love including dance numbers, vehicle stunts, posh cars and skimpily clad girls. Grind in some traditional values and rituals. Spice it up with item numbers and sleazy skin show. Introduce a cameo by another famous star to enrich the flavor. Sprinkle some breath taking scenery. Allow the plot to take a confusing path but end it with a "happy ending". Do add bits of music occasionally (It will awaken the snoring audience)
Dont forget to stir up a contreversy. Let the extremists take over. Make the famous hero participate in debates, public functions and talk shows. Prepare him for a pro-society speech. Pull in politics, sports, religion and family into the concoction. Make sure it boils down to the front page of all the leading dailies. Let the controversy simmer for sometime while you manufacture movie memorabilia like t-shirts and caps.
Release the movie into the social cauldron amidst all the chaos of the extremists. Serve it hot with extravagant promos and a whole regiment of the reserve Police force!!!!
BON APPETITE!!!!!!
